I’m so happy! I just spotted this in my junk-mail! Imagine if I’d missed it!
From: Mr. Oosthuizen [email@example.com]
Sent: 22 January 2014 18:41
Subject: Re: pl
International Monetary Fund (IMF)
54 bis, route des Acacias
Case postale 1516
I am Mr. Oosthuizen of IMF Head Office Switzerland.
Your email appeared among the beneficiaries, who will receive a
part-payment of your contractual sum of $8.5 Million US Dollars and
has been approved already for months. You are requested to get back to
me for more direction and instruction on how to receive your
fund. However, we received an email from one Mrs. Virgie Brown who
told us that she is your next of kin and that you died in a car
accident last week. She has also submitted her account for us to
transfer the fund to her. We want to hear from you before we can make
the transfer to confirm if you are dead or not.
Please in confirmation that you are still alive, you are advised to
reconfirm the below listed information to enable us facilitate an
immediate payment for you.
1 Your full names
2 Your present contact address.
3 Your telephone & Fax numbers.
4 Your Occupations/age/sex.
5 Your Private Email Address.
Once again, I apologize to you on behalf of IMF (International
Monetary Fund) for failure to pay your funds in time, which according
to records in the system had been long overdue.
Not sure why this Swiss fella is using a Hong Kong email account (firstname.lastname@example.org) but other than that, he seems like a trustworthy fella. Just a shame about my condition really:
Dear Mr. Oosthuizen,
Thankyou ever so much for your letter. It’s lovely to hear that I’ll be getting a little bit of money! Though I suppose these days a million dollars will probably get you about a quarter of black bullets! Doesn’t matter to me, I can’t really eat them anymore anyway.
I am very much alive and kicking, ha ha! I didn’t die in a car crash. I haven’t driven a car for some time actually, not since the 50s when my eyesight started to go, ha ha! I don’t even actually know who Virgie Brown is. There’s a carer here, her name is Vicky something. Perhaps it was her, eh! She answers to Vicky anyway, or Vanya, I forget which one but she answers to both of them. I think they’re the same person. She has a very well turned ankle on her. Did it say in her letter if she had a well-turned ankle? She is a lovely girl. Sometimes she helps me with my bank book and she helps me to remember my pin code because I can be quite forgetful!
The money would certainly come in handy – I never seem to have any these days! Do you find it the same? I was always very careful with my pension money and when I lived alone I was quite comfortable but what with the silly prices of things these days, it just seems to disappear as soon as it comes in!
I’m sorry to say that I have no next of kin. I have been widowed for 42 years – the only children I ever had were all stillborn in the 1950s, or passed away within hours of birth in the 1960s. I thought we were getting closer to a little success but I didn’t have so much lead in my pencil in the 1970s! Ha ha. Actually, my wife died in childbirth in 1972 and I never really moved on, but you’ve got to laugh haven’t you.
Who is Virgie? Perhaps she is one of my carers? I do get myself mixed up here and there! I am terrible. Did Vicky get in touch with you?
It would be lovely to have a little bit of money, although I do wish you’d been able to get it to me a little sooner. I’m sorry to moan, it’s lovely to get your letter, it really is. It’s just they diagnosed me with prostate cancer a few months ago and I am getting to the final stages now, so I’m hoping I might get the time to share a little bit around. I haven’t been regular for a while now, up and down in the middle of the night! I do drive Vancia to frustration, ha ha. Still, I have lost ever so much weight! Ha ha.
How soon do you think you could get the money to me? There’s a nice man who comes in sometimes with Vicky at the home to have a cup of tea, a chat and to help me with my pension, investment things and whatnot, so I suppose this is where this money is coming from! Nice that one of them has come in for once! He puts my horses on for me too. Lovely fellow. I’d like to share a little with him. It couldn’t come at a better time. I only have a little bit of money left and I was thinking of giving it away to charity for red nose day, but he says it all just goes to the coloureds and I probably won’t be around to watch it on the television anyway.
All of this seems a little complicated for me and I’m a bit muddled up, ha ha! Not too difficult these days! I think perhaps it would be best if I were to ask one of the girls, Vicky or Vanya or the other one to give you their E-PO Box number. My internet doodah has been giving me trouble recently – Virgie usually sorts it out for me but she said the post office are on strike this week so I’m sorry if my e-mail gets to you late. The strikes are terrible, aren’t they? Do they have them in Sweden too? Mind, they were worse in the 70s. The buses were never on time, and with me with my eyes, well you can imagine! Being late for your son’s funeral and your wife’s funeral in the same week! Oh, my! What a carry-on that was. Bloody public transport, eh! Nothing turns up for ages then two come along at once! That’s what I said when we buried the twins. We did laugh! You’ve got to, haven’t you. The catering was lovely.
Sorry Mr. Oosthuizen, I’ll have to cut this message a little short. I’m very slow on a QWERTY and with my arthritis! And with all the bruises it’s hard to sit down for too long. I’m really looking forward to your reply. Please be quick though!
And now, we play the waiting game… hopefully this will run!